Catch-23, -24, and -25

When my chiro A&P instructor tried to adjust me yesterday, my muscles had everything so tightly locked in place that there was no delightful pop and glorious realignment of vertebra. This clearly frustrated him, and he flippantly grouched about how I have to not be so tense when he's adjusting me.

Admittedly, part of the fact that I can't relax is that I'm always thinking that he's gonna adjust a fart out of me. I mean, when you're bent over like you're ready to take it up the ass, your tail high in the air and your back arched, with someone about ready to thunk down on your lower back, it's hard not to feel like a fireplace bellow, ready to foof out a wee bit of breathy stink.

Admittedly, a second part of the reason I am sometimes tense is that I find him a wee bit cute (in a charmingly dorky kind of way), so interacting with him some days makes me feel a bit giggly on my insides, which in turn makes me not wanna rip one in front of him, which in turn makes me a wee bit tense.

But ultimately, the main reason I'm so tense is that my body is its own Catch-22, and I wish he'd realize that already. I wouldn't be so damn tense if my muscles weren't completely locked up. And my muscles wouldn't be completely locked up if I weren't so damn tense all the time.

*Realizing that might not precisely be a Catch-22 after all, but you get the point*

The thing is, my body needs to be adjusted and retrained so that the muscles are more relaxed. But right now it can't relax enough to HAVE the muscles adjusted and retrained. (Still not a Catch-22?) So I'm stuck in an unpleasant limbo.

And grumbling under his breath about me being too tense all the time doesn't aid in loosening me up. In fact, most of the time it makes me even more tense. (Catch-22?? Catch-22???)

So between my swoony farting-fears and my tight muscles yesterday, it was not so good a session. And it was made even less successful when it ended with him placing me in some creepy Hannibal-Lecter-esque adjustment device that he's never used on me before.

Word of advice, Chiro-A&P man: using devices that make a potentially-gassy, slightly crushing individual think of clothes made out of human flesh and a penchant for human livers and fine chianti: not so relaxing.