Misadventures of the Myofascial Kind (Part III)

Ah yes. So the final day of Myo. Dragged my ass out of bed at 7:30. Brewed myself an ass-loving-huge pot o' coffee. Sniffled a little at the misfortune of having to spend another 9 hours at school on a weekend.

This time, we spent the day learning about how to do a) ab-work, and b) work on the back. I was looking forward to learning the back the most, simply because the back/neck seem to be the most problematic areas on pretty much *ANYONE* who comes in for a massage. This is mostly due to the fact that we carry so much of our stress in our necks and shoulders, that most of us don't sit with proper posture (which throws these out of whack), and due to the fact that so many of us use computers nowadays and sit completely shitty while doing so. So to get back/neckwork done always seems to be the primary goal of people who come in FOR massages.

And what we learned for the back didn't disappoint.

FAVORITES:

• THE LATERAL MIDLINE RELEASE--This maneuver is done while you lay on your side and basically stretches everything from your shoulder to your hip in one fell move. It's quite lovely. And for the person doing the stroke, it's probably the most maneuvering you will do in Myo. It requires a lot of pivoting and repositioning of the practitioner's body, and in the end, when done correctly, it has a beautiful rhythm and spin to it, kind of like a ballet move or a smooth yoga technique. The end result is glorious too--it stretches out EVERYTHING and makes you feel oh so yummy as the "client."


• THE SCAPULA WORK--There's just something cool about reaching your fingers UNDERNEATH a bone to the point that your first knuckles have effectively vanished into someone else's flesh. Like the diaphragm work, you basically work the muscle attachments UNDER the scapula by hooking your fingers as far as you can go underneath the bone without hurting the person and then "working that shit." Good stuff.

LEAST FAVORITE:

• THE NECK TRACTION MANEUVER--I dunno. It just doesn't seem right to me to have a massage therapist messing with the alignment of your vertebra. Especially when they're just learning the material and don't really know what they're doing. Having them pull on your neck incorrectly does not feel so good. (And sidenote: when I went to chiro-man on Monday after having gotten this done to me, he was like "What the hell did you do to your neck?" After explaining this traction move to him--which made him visibly angry, since he's not a fan of traction--he explained that somehow they'd "shortened the width of my neck." I don't exactly know what this means, but he was not pleased. And when he adjusted my neck, it sure as shit did some MAJOR popping.)

The day ended with a discussion of indications and contraindications. Then we all made out in a fierce and sweaty massage-related orgy. And then we found out we'd all contracted syphilis from said orgy. So then we sued our instructor.

THE END!

(I realized the last day didn't have much of a climactic arc to it, so I figured I'd throw in a bit more excitement there. To titillate and whatnot. Because that's my job. Oh yes, that's my job.)

(*Follow-up: Despite the fact that the seminar botched up my neck, I *DID* find out yesterday that I'm actually "holding" (as chiro-man calls it) my adjustments now. Which means he actually didn't have to adjust me yesterday. Which made me giddy with excitement. I don't know if the myo--which is supposed to be particularly useful when coupled with chiropractic--actually had anything to do with it. But since I *DID* undergo the myo the same week that I was told (for the first time) that I'm "holding," there's a possibility. And that's kinda cool.)