The Popping of the Cherry

Tonight is our first night working on the public in my Spa Massage class. *GULP*

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Last Thursday we finally got trained on how to "give" a hot stone massage. I say "give" in quotation marks as it is the most elaborate, confusing routine I've ever taken part in, and my first attempt was not so much a gift the likes of a carefully wrapped diamond ring as it was the equivalent of giving someone one of those sucker-pop rings wrapped up in a used maxi-pad and stuffed in a plastic bag from Giant Eagle.

The routine is two pages long, about 50+ steps (all of which have sub-steps to them), and one of the most taxing performances you'd probably ever take part in as a massage therapist. I was literally exhausted and cranky when I got home (exhausted from it being so taxing, cranky at myself for being so klutzy at it).

And yet, our instructor (and presumably anyone else who's being doing it a long time) makes it look like a gorgeous ballet. Which makes me want to knock him down and steal his wallet. Just because.

There are like a trazillion stones involved in it. There are 10 spinal stones. There are large stones. There are medium stones. (It is difficult to differentiate between the two.) There are small stones. There are toe stones. There is a belly stone. There is a third-eye stone. And I'm sure there are more that i'm just absolutely not thinking of.

You are constantly removing them from the hot water and then putting them back in and then taking out more and then returning more and then jamming some in a sock and then jamming them onto people's necks and then jamming them under people's shoulders and then resting them on their feet and then switching the ones on their feet with hotter ones and then... well, you get my drift.

The actual massage involves a lot of pre-stone placement: stones under the spine, stones on the hands and feet, a stone on the belly, and a stone on the third eye. And it also involves using stones to massage with. It is an amazing feeling, the sensation of the heat and then the smoothness of the stones as they're driven back and forth over the contours of your body. It is more difficult to be the one doing this. You have to constantly remember to flip the stones around as you're massaging so that the side that's hotter is always touching the client. And the client (and the stones) are super-lubed up so they can glide smoothly over the skin, so you also have to manage to do all this flipping *while* gropingly trying to hang onto the stones for dear life.

For an hour last Thursday, the air was filled with the sound of stones hitting the floor and muttered curses from one of my classmates in the room next door. It was way too funny, but I do sympathize. (It really WAS way too funny though. Hee hee.)

And man, do you lube the clients up. I mean, I think you could use them as an effective slip-and-slide once they're all done, at least on their backs. Granted, you'd probably shoot right off into a wall, but it's still worth contemplating.

And the massage is set up to be only an hour, but it's a routine that's condensed from 90 minutes (and I'd say it's damn near impossible to finish it in an hour, especially if you're just starting).

All that being said in done, I want to conquer this damn massage routine. It really is marvelous and beautiful and stimulating to *all* of the senses (touch from the stones, smell from some essential oils, sound from the delightfully peaceful clink of the stones hitting one another, sight, obviously, and perhaps even taste, if you licked your therapist while they were doing it to you!). And I WANT TO BE GOOD AT IT, GODDAMMIT! The problem is that I ain't ever gonna be able to practice it at home since I don't have the stones. So yeah, one time I've done it. And I'll be doing it sometime soon on some sad sap who was mistaken enough to sign up for it through the clinic. Lucky them.

But until then, I'm just not gonna worry about it. Because I have more important things to worry about right now, like MY FIRST TIME WORKING ON THE PUBLIC (GIVING AROMATHERAPY MASSAGES) IN LESS THAN THREE HOURS.

Lordie.