Hurray! Yours Truly Pops Her Cherry on the "Happy Endings" Front

[A man leaves a message on my cell-phone about scheduling a massage. I call him back later in the day.]

MAN: Hello?

ME: Hi, is this D?

MAN: Yes, it is.

ME: Hi, I was returning your call about setting up a massage appointment?

MAN: Oh! Ok! Yes.

ME: Actually, I'm in my last semester of school right now, so I don't have any time to take appointments, but in June I may be able to start taking appointments again.

MAN: Oh really? Oh.

ME: Yeah, sorry about that. I can hang onto your number though and call you back perhaps sometime later in June.

MAN: Yeah, that would be great. Can I ask you a few questions first?

ME: Sure thing.

MAN: What kind of massage do you do?

ME: (I already can tell where this is going) Well, right now, since I'm not yet certified, I am only able to do relaxation massages, no therapeutic massages.

MAN: Oh. Ok. Um, do you do... "sensual" massages?

ME: No, I do not.

MAN: Oh. Ok. Um, what do you charge for your massages?

ME: (a bit flabbergasted that he still thinks I'm actually gonna set up a home-appointment with him if he inquired about pervy massages) Right now, $40 for an hour, $60 for 90 minutes. That will no doubt change once I'm certified though.

MAN: Oh. Ok. That sounds reasonable. (pause) I guess that's everything I wanted to know.

ME: Okey-doke.

MAN: Yeah, so that'd be great if you could give me a call back in June or whenever and we can set something up.

ME: I'll do that. (Thinking: I am so totally not doing that.)

MAN: Excellent. Thanks!

ME: You're welcome.

MAN: Bye.

ME: Bye, you pervy perv-hole.

*BLORF*

In an hour and a half, I have to give one of my massage instructors an hour-massage in order to be able to graduate in May.

I'm all nerve-jangly.

Occasionally, I find myself thinking that I actually am a TERRIBLE massage-giver but everyone's just been too nice to break it to me. And right now, yet again, I'm feeling this way, which is making me a bit paranoid that my massage instructor will be so horrified by my awkward incompetence that she will die of horror right there on the table.

*Fingers crossed that this will not be the case*

Wait, What?

It seems that I have these moments frequently this semester, moments where I find myself going, Wait, what??!

Example:

Test question we're going over in class:

When should you wash your hands during the course of a massage session?
a) Before you give a massage
b) After you give a massage
c) Before and after you give a massage
d) When your hands are visibly soiled

ME: Ummm, well, I'm guessing the answer is c), but shouldn't it be ALL of them?

INSTRUCTOR: Ummmmmmm... Yes. The answer is c).

ME: Well, wouldn't it be d) as well?

INSTRUCTOR: Ummm. Well... I mean... If my hands were visibly soiled, well, I'd kinda just know that they're visibly soiled, you know?

ME: ?

INSTRUCTOR: Ok. On to question 32.

Later during a smoke break...

ME: Apparently it's not important to wash our hands if they're visibly soiled.

C (my classmate): So if someone shits on your massage table in the middle of your massage session, you're pretty much fucked, since it's not "before" and not "after" the massage. Ha ha ha.

ME: Apparently so. [laughing]

Baneful

I fucking miss Bane of My Existence.

Pros & Cons of All This Studying

CONS

• An ever-impending sense of doom.


• The 5 lbs. I've gained from nervous-snacking.


• The weird study-affiliated narcolepsy I've apparently been inflicted with--as soon as I sit down to study I can barely keep my eyes open.


• I think I may have started grinding my teeth in my sleep.

PROS

• I get a lot of cleaning done. (I tend to use it as a justifiable excuse to take a break from studying.)


• I get a lot of cooking done. (I tend to use it as a justifiable excuse to take a break from studying.)


• It gives me an excuse to rearrange my whole living room, you know: to take a break from studying.

Hatches Battened--Wish Me Luck

I am battening down the hatches this weekend to study.

I have picked up the following items

• Makings for a vegan "sausage" pizza for this evening;


• A piece of Wake Me Up cake from Nature's Bin to be eaten as a reward for my studying either tonight or tomorrow night;


• Ingredients to make whiskey fudge when I'm feeling about ready to crack and need an excuse to take a break

and I plan to recluse myself into my apartment all weekend, except a) possibly to take a break and get a quick drink tonight with P & L, and b) to go study at the coffee shop on Sunday so I don't get cabin fever.

Every time I think of midterms on Monday, I feel all scared inside, like the kind of scared I feel when Freddy Krueger suddenly sticks his big phallic tongue out of my phone receiver at me. Which happens more often than I'd like.

I am gonna be a NERVOUS FUCKING WRECK the last few weeks before finals. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around how much info we're gonna be blowing through these next 6 or 7 weeks, and how I can possibly get my brain to REMEMBER it all. Especially those muscles. Those godforsaken evil muscles.

Things I need to hardcore focus on right now:

The different sympathetic and postsympathetic ganglia and what they innervate.

The joints (I cannot for the life of me remember the different types because many of them sound so similar: syndesmosis, synchondrosis, etc.).

The ligaments.

The cellular crap that just REFUSES to stick in my brain.

Next Monday, after 4 pm: Sweet sweet relief. Hopefully much CELEBRATORY boozing (and not drink-the-pain-away-type boozing). And then Tuesday, Mike Doughty to soothe my overly-stimulated brain.

I think maybe I should also set up specifically-designated 30-minute chunks of time for a few folks to come over this weekend and makeout with me a bit, just for relaxation purposes. A relaxed brain makes for better studying.

Volunteers, please leave a comment below.

Thank you, and good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!